Ficlet: Breakable (complete)

[girlpire]

i sat down to finish writing the end of "always turned on," but this is what my pencil came up with instead. (i can't help it... i love angelus.)

Title: Breakable
Rating: I'd give it an R probably.
Pairing: Not Spangel! This is my first non-Spangelic fanfic. Also, my first het.

Disclaimer: This story takes place in the Angel fandom, with which I am not affiliated in any way. The characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Fox, etc.
Warnings: No explicit sex, but references to Ds/SM. And some bad words.

Summary: Fred's missing something.
Author's Notes: This story is set during the Season 4 episode Soulless Calvary.

*

Breakable

She looked at herself in the mirror again, calmly putting one strand of dark hair behind her ear. Thin. She'd been too thin even before she'd spent five years starving in a hell dimension. The last year and a half, she'd eaten like a hog to make up for it, but nothing seemed to stick. Doomed to live her entire life with practically no breasts. She smoothed her tank top over her chest. Fragile.

That's how they saw her. Too easily broken. Charles, with his frustratingly gentle hands, scared to hurt her. Wesley, constantly raking his eyes over her body but still too afraid to touch her. With his new tough-guy attitude, she thought maybe he'd imagined taking her roughly, but he would never do it. Probably not even if she asked him to.


And she'd thought about it, about asking Wesley to hurt her. Charles could never bring himself to do it - always shied away, made some macho excuse that he might end up taking it too far, that she wouldn't like it if that happened. Not understanding that's what she wanted from him, his strength. It's what she craved. His feathery touches drove her crazy with lust, but she needed more than that - needed something hard and sharp to balance out the featheriness.

She wondered if Wesley would understand the need for pain. On a clinical level, certainly. He may even be able to deliver it. But she imagined him dominating her as a man who did what was required of him and nothing more, with no real interest in the procedure or the outcome, only in what he would get in return. Like trade. Commerce.

She'd once written an entire treatise on commerce. It had covered most of the back wall of her cave, complete with figures and formulas. (One bucket of seera phlegm plus four eiger heads plus two bottles of yellow hox venom equals the worth of one human soul to crush under your hairy green heel. And she ought to know; she'd done enough field research.) It was all very precise.

She didn't want precise anymore. She was tired of precise. Everything in her life had been so scientific, carefully measured out with beakers and scales. And with precise came objective. And with objective came detached. Nothing seemed real to her anymore - like she wasn't a part of the world, instead looking at it with the eye of a scientist staring through a microscope. Nothing touched her. She wanted to feel something hard enough to hurt, something hot enough to burn. She needed some part of the world to affect her.

She took some deep breaths to steady herself. He'd hear her heart racing, she knew, but it couldn't be helped. When she was little, she used to try to slow her heartbeats on purpose, so the monsters under the bed wouldn't know she knew they were there. The monsters always figured it out, though. Which is why she wasn't surprised when she came down the stairs to the basement and saw him standing there waiting for her, leaning casually against the steel bars with a smirk on his face.

She raised the tranquilizer gun to chest level and aimed it at him as she walked in. She stopped before she came to the painted red line on the floor, which marked the extent of his reach.

"Fred," he acknowledged her pleasantly. "It's nice to see... so much of you." His gaze slid lewdly down her body as he took in the tank top and miniskirt. It made her feel dirty and she liked it, liked it even more when he moved a hand to his crotch and started to rub over it, eyeing the tops of her thighs. "You just come down here to show off your skinny legs, or were you hoping I'd make good on my threat?"

"Which threat would that be?" she asked, carefully keeping her eyes averted from his hand.

"The one where I rape you to death," he replied with a smile. "Because let me tell you, you sure dressed for it." She didn't try to deny this, and it seemed to please him. "I can still use the accent if you want," he added, "although mine's not nearly as sexy as your sweet Texas twang."

The thought of this dangerous creature finding any part of her sexy was a turn-on by itself. She watched him breathe in deeply through his nose, and his smile got even wider. "You don't know how hot you make me, do you?" he asked her. "Thinking about you naked, your thighs spread open for me, your perky little tits waiting for my mouth." He suddenly vamped, and she took a small step back. He ran his tongue over the pointy teeth. "I know you wanna know what these feel like on your pretty pink titties."

She didn't try to deny that either.

He snapped his jaws closed and chuckled at her small jump of surprise. Then he was back in his human face, and he lowered his voice seductively. "Sometimes I think about bending you over the office desk - just flip up your skirt and slide right into your tight cunt." He closed his eyes. "Mmm... what do you think Gunn would say if I just fucked his little girlfriend right in front of everyone - and she loved it?" He opened his eyes again to leer at her, deep brown irises ringed with wicked gold. "You want that, don't you?" It really wasn't a question. He already knew. She could tell by the way he barely held back a triumphant smile. "That's why you came down here. I can smell it."

She was curious - in a purely scientific way - about why his comments didn't make her blush. She'd thought it would be embarrassing for him to find out how much she wanted him, how much she had wanted him ever since she found out what he was capable of. But in the moment, she wasn't embarrassed at all. Just ready. Ready for him to give her what she needed, without any stupid excuses or clinical precision. Ready to take what he would give her passionately, artistically, creatively. He would know exactly how much she could stand and how to drive her just past that point. He'd know how to break her like no one else would because she was too fragile. And he wanted it as much as she did.

She took one step forward, then stopped. "Are you going to kill me?" she asked softly. The gun was still pointed at him.

"What do you think?" he asked.

She considered. "I think if I let you out, I may want to die... afterwards."

He smiled at her answer. "I'll tell you what, sweetheart," he replied, "since you came down here willingly, smelling so nice for me... when I'm done with you, I'll let you choose. What do you say?"

For one silent moment, she didn't say or do anything at all. He watched her face, waiting for a decision. Then, the gun was being lowered, and she was stepping closer, across the red stripe on the concrete, reaching for the lock with a key between her fingers.

As she opened the gate, a strong hand closed harshly around her delicate wrist.

*

Comments

[frimfram.livejournal.com]

Oh my god, girlpire. That was very, very impressive. And very nasty. I was about to ask if you'd taken it over to darker_spike when I noticed the obvious reason you haven't, but I shall rec it in my journal and otherwise shepherd people this way.

The title fits especially nicely. Your Fred is really ready to be broken, and it's disturbing. Shuddersome.

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

yay! i'm so glad you liked(?) it. the only communities i'm part of here are either spike, spangel, or slash, so i haven't posted it anywhere else. i did a search and found a fred/angelus community and got really excited about it, but it turns out there are only five members and their last post was like in april.

i know most of this piece is kind of inside fred's head, but my favorite part is when she's talking to angelus. he's so evil and hot! i luff him.

you know, i was thinking about it, and i think i like season-2-of-buffy angelus and season-4-of-angel angelus better than all the flashback angeluses. he's just evil-er. i wonder if it's because of the immediacy of his evilness, as opposed to the removed evilness of a flashback. with a flashback, there's always the "well he's not like that anymore" feeling, but when he's evil NOW, there's like... no hope. or something.

cause he's being evil to people you know, and someone has stolen his soul from the office safe! *gasp*

also, flashback angelus? is silly. he walks around going, "those were my nuns!" and "am i a bad bloke? i don't think so. not once you get to know me." so totally unscary.

this note is turning out to be a lot longer than i meant it, so i'm going to stop now. er... thanks for commenting. :)

[spankspike.livejournal.com]

I really loved this so much. I thought that all of the guys on the show totally underestimated Fred all of the time, and I could just imagine her feeling like this. After all Angel was her first love/crush on the show and she had seen him as a pure demon on Pylea and didn't seem to be put off by that.

I also have to agree with you that Angelus was more evil in the non-flashback form. I actually referred to him as evil condensed once. I think that he was more evil when he came back, because being trapped inside Angel had caused him to become completely insane. The Angelus that Liam became may have been an artist at killing, but I think a huge part of him was still just big old goofy 17th century frat boy Liam. There was somewhat of a splitting between the two halves with the part of him that had been Liam becoming more of Angel and the part that was demon becoming the Angelus that comes out later.

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

it's funny that you refer to him as a frat boy. i'm in college right now and am friends with a lot of boys in fraternities, and i can totally see the similiarities!

i almost feel sorry for angelus... trapped inside angel like that. i mean, surely it's as hard for him to live with a soul as it is for angel to live with a demon. harder, even, because people with souls still sometimes have evil tendencies, but soulless demons are never naturally inclined to do good.

[shapinglight]

Came here on frimfram's recommendation and am very glad I did. Boy, that was dark! One of the darkest things I've ever read, I think. Nothing had to happen in it, all the darkness came from Fred's thoughts and the interaction between her and Angelus.

Also, you captured Angelus exactly as I imagine him, which is as a playful, raging pscyhopath. I don't believe in cuddly Angelus in any part of BtVS/AtS, not even flashbacks. I think this is him.

Wonderful, and I hope you don't mind if I friend you.

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

Boy, that was dark! One of the darkest things I've ever read, I think.

but... how can this be, oh creator of the furnitureverse? you are like the queen of dark! you're... you're drusilla! but like without the dolls, i'm guessing. (are there dolls?) :)

Also, you captured Angelus exactly as I imagine him, which is as a playful, raging pscyhopath.

hee! this is my angelus. there is no other! i actually just watched 'soulless' today to see if i came close to getting him right, and i think i did. *so happy* although i did notice that the "rape you to death" comment must have been in the next episode.

friend away! i am excited to have the great deborahmm on my flist!

[kidcyclone.livejournal.com]

Totally awesome. I thought you got into Fred's mind very well, and I liked how you showed the scientific mindset she has at all times. I especially liked her thoughts of how Wesley could mete out what she wanted, but it would be in a clinical way, as commerce.

I agree with the theory that when Angelus makes his reappearances he seems more evil because he's basically been evil condensed. Also, he's forced to look at himself being what in his mind must be, a total loser/dork wuss, don't you think it makes him sick? I love flashback Angelus with his goofy moments and his dry sense of humor, but I think that he could be very scary as well. The thing is, you don't (or as far as I've seen you don't) see flashback Angelus in his moments of white hot rage or psychopathic glee.

I definitely agree that maybe Angelus feels he has to be incredibly horrible to sort of make up for being ensouled, once he's out. And yes, sicko that I am, I do feel sorry for Angelus. He's just a demon trying to do his job! ;> But back on track- this was very well done.

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

thank you! i secretly think wesley would be a good dom simply because of the detached/clinical way he would do things, but that's not what my fred wanted. she wanted passionate infliction of pain - something the dom would get off on as much as she did. the difference is that wesley would be in control of himself at all times, but angelus may get so caught up in it that he actually killed her. or, well, that's how i see it in this situation. although i know angelus could be in total control too... it's just that he hasn't been out to play in so long! :)

i also love flashback!angelus - i mean, what's not to like? besides the hair - but he just doesn't come off as scary, you know? but it's true, we didn't ever really see him in a rage. you'd think they would have made him angrier about the immortal in "the girl in question" but i guess they just wanted to keep it lighthearted and funny. which they did. it's one of my fav episodes.

glad i'm not the only one feeling sorry for trapped!angelus. he deserves a li'l fandom love. *snuggles the psychopath*

[makd.livejournal.com]

I followed the crowd from frimfram's rec, b/c I love Angel/Fred, and this? dark, scary, creepy....so, of course, I'm in!

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

yay! i've never actually read any fred/angel(us) but for some reason i couldn't work on my other story until this little ficlet made its way out of my pencil. i'm so glad you like it!

[frimfram.livejournal.com]

Lookit! You've made the Sunnydale Herald: su_herald.

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

whoot! i don't actually know what this is, but yay!
if they like me, they must be cool. :D
thanks for letting me know.

and... and thanks for rec'ing me, frimfram! you're just so... good to me... *sniffle*

*throws her arms around you and weeps like a babyman* i luff you, frimmy!
*suddenly worries this might be awkward* *backs off* er... thanks.

[lillianmorgan.livejournal.com]

Gah! You finished it there!! This was delicious! Absolutely terrifyingly delicious. You got so well inside Fred’s mind, even to parts she probably didn’t even know were there!
And wow, great job with Angelus, he barely says anything but what he does say is frightening but also scarily enticing. And Angelus always getting to the heart of the matter, eh? In a heartbeat!
She was curious - in a purely scientific way - about why his comments didn't make her blush.
That was very nice, given all the scientific pondering up to that point!
And I also noticed the su_herald mention so yay you! ::shakes out pom-poms::
PS Am I right in thinking this wasn't beta-ed?

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

i'm glad you liked it!

and... if you mean beta-ed in the traditional sense - as in, showing someone all my mistakes before i embarrass myself by posting them - then... you're right, it wasn't.

*blush* is there something terribly wrong with it? i know i'm pretty bad about leaving out words... if you see a mistake, feel free to point it out.

now i'm all self-conscious about it! is it the pacing? is there something wrong with the pacing? like, i wondered if i went to fast when she started talking to angelus - you know, because like he immediately starts talking nasty to her without any build-up or anything...

i don't use a beta because i get so impatient. when i write something, i wanna post it NOW, you know?

*frantically reads back over it looking for things to change*

[tinpanalley.livejournal.com]

Wow...what a wonderfully dark fic! Your characterization was spot-on and the tension was palpable throughout! I was drawn in from the first paragraph! Fabulous job!!

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

thank you! although, about my characterization, the more i think about it, the more i think fred wouldn't really let him out. she's a hero too, you know? so if she did want to be with angelus that much... she'd probably tranq him and then lock herself inside the cage with him. you know, just so he wouldn't get out.

i sort of like it this way though, so i'm not going to change it. :) thank you for the fb!

[lifeisjustthis.livejournal.com]

This was great. I could "hear" Fred in my head. The differences between Gunn and Wesley were right on! Give me Angelus over Angel any day. And I liked that he started talking dirty right away because that's what Angelus would do - whatever throws someone off and gives him the upper hand (especially when he's locked in a cage). And don't change the end! It's perfect!

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

thank you! i definitely don't think i'll be changing the ending (it's a bit late for that) but i am writing a sequel. yay! more frangelus. :)

[lostakasha.livejournal.com]

This totally knocked me out! So believable...and I did not want it to end.

Ready to take what he would give her passionately, artistically, creatively. Such a clear insight into her desires, her complexity.

In my mind, Fred is one of the only women who can give Angelus are real run for his money -- she has so much darkness just brimming under the surface. Thanks for bringing it out. I'm a fan.

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

i'm so glad you liked it! and i'm glad you didn't want it to end, because i have decided to write a sequel :)

[altyronsmaker.livejournal.com]

whoa. Now there's a take on Fred I've been dying to see. I KNEW it took a strong woman to survive in Pylea.

Sweet ficlet.

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

hehe, thank you. i'll be posting the sequel on a_darker_angel soon, i hope. :)

[denied-heaven.livejournal.com]

ohhh yum
so dirty and earthy
love it!
so glad you making a sequel!

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

thank you! i'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

[pet-23.livejournal.com]

Need.Sequel.Now.

I read this and loved it. HET OMG! Must feed my dirty new addiction. MUST!!

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

HET OMG! - i KNOW! i totally surprised myself when i wrote this. it's the only het i've ever written. and i didn't get explicit with it... i just couldn't make myself do it. but i love this pairing! of course, i've said that i would love any angel(us) pairing, even if it was angel/a clod of dirt.

Hot

[spikesredrose.livejournal.com]

Loved it, great subtle thriller

Re: Hot

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

thanks! :)

[pez.livejournal.com]

Mmmmm!! Fred/Angel is one of my favorite pairings and Fred/Angelus is just that much hotter. :)

Thanks for posting!!

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

i'm glad you liked it! i think fred was sufficiently dark in this for the darker_fred community. :)

[selene2.livejournal.com]

My God that is great! *dies happy*

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

hehe, thanks! *revives you* *pets you*

[lady-smith.livejournal.com]

I'm working my way through the [Unknown site tag] nominees, and WOW, this just blew me away. It's uterly terrifying how - PLAUSIBLE this is. I can see Fred having that kink, and having those issues with Wes and Gunn and going to the man who can fufill it...

Terrifying. Wonderful. Love it.

[lady-smith.livejournal.com]

*sighs*

That should be rerunawards

[-normal-girl-.livejournal.com]

wow you know how to get someones attention! Very sexy.

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

thanks! :D

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

i am persuasive, yay! \o/

if you're interested, i continued this story here: http://girlpire.livejournal.com/45515.html

i wrote nine(?) chapters before putting it on hiatus, but i'm still working on it and do plan to finish it eventually.

[darkehart.livejournal.com]

This is the first Fred/Angelus pairing I've read, and I love it! I think one of the things I really like about your writing style is the perfectly restrained way words are used to create a scene and emotions. A bit like a charcoal drawing as opposed to full oils. The beauty shines through without unnecessary clutter.

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

thank you! i try to use a certain economy of language when i write. :D

[romanyg.livejournal.com]

*here via darker_fred*

Chilling yet believable, especially considering that Angelus is the antithesis to the Angel that Fred saw as a hero in Pylea. Yet I can believe that there's a darkness in her that draws her to him.

Wonderful ending, that moment of contact and no return.

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

thank you! i'm not really sure what made me write this story... but whatever it was, it also made me write a sequel. :) i liked the ending to this and was afraid a sequel would ruin it, but i've gotten very positive feedback on the continuation.

it's here if you're interested: http://girlpire.livejournal.com/45515.html

[beccers4469.livejournal.com]

0_o wow *blinks* 0_o that was wicked dark, and I loved it:)

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

thank you! it sort of came out of nowhere, but i liked the idea enough to make a sequel.

[snogged.livejournal.com]

Heylo!

I'm going through some of the entries I had seen and wanted to save for later and I'm thrilled I had a chance to catch up with this one.

Dark and delicious! I love Angelus/Fred and you handled them both in an awesomely awseome way.

I'm going to rec this on my journal!

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

thanks so much! angelus/fred is one of my favorite, rarely-indulged pairings. i wish i had time to write more of them!

love that icon, btw.

Brilliant!!

[hot4angelus.livejournal.com]

How do I say this...? I am trying to find the words to justify--no, not justify, to suit...or better yet, explain the awe I feel right now. Stunned, flabbergasted, flipped out, floored and thunderstruck, doesn't even seem to cut it! Maybe, OMFG will do, because that's how I feel... I'm speechless, you've written the perfect Angelus!

I'm absolutely into that dark demon and I've read so many fics about him, but I must say, this is the first time I've seen that edge--the razors edge that makes Angelus such a difficult character to write so balanced. Usually writers either make him a "playful psycopath" or a "grumpy version of Angel"!
You've managed to make him both. Brilliant is the only word that comes to mind...Now I must go and read the sequeal to this!!

How do I say OMFG in real language? Well, I think you get it huh???

Summer

[cmyundies-09.livejournal.com]

She wondered if Wesley would understand the need for pain....she imagined him dominating her as a man who did what was required of him and nothing more, with no real interest in the procedure or the outcome, only in what he would get in return.

While Wesley edgier at this point I do agree with Fred's assessment of him. He had her on a pedestal. And in the end when you want kink and danger who better to turn to then Angelus.