how angel saved my life

[girlpire]

I'm trying to explain to myself why I love Angel so much. I mean, I already know why, but I want to put it down in words in case I ever feel the need to explain it to someone, the way I tried to explain to my mom tonight but couldn't.

The first thing to say probably is that I've got… problems. People say, you know, that everyone has problems - and I agree, I think everyone's got at least one really huge problem and lots of little small everyday problems, too - but I've got the kind of problems that you get, you know, put away for. Not like the prison kind of put away, but the umm… psychiatric institution kind of put away? Not that I've ever been put away in that sense - or in any sense - but that's probably just because my mom is embarrassed. And I'm completely serious when I say that.

I've been officially diagnosed with clinical depression (I'm unipolar), general anxiety disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, insomnia (due to the anxiety), obsessive-compulsive disorder, and… wait, I think that's all. So these are my problems. The first time I wanted to die, I was in fifth grade. I took three headache pills before I got scared and stopped. I didn't tell anyone.

The second time that I wanted to die… well, it's not a specific time, really. Once you get that way, it sort of just stays. You might have a good day every once in a while, but mostly you just want to sit and do nothing. I've been accused all my life of being lazy, being a slacker, but I sometimes literally can't make myself get out of bed. I do the crying thing a lot. I go through periods where I eat everything that gets in my way, and I go through periods where I can't make myself eat anything for three or four days straight. I used to skip class so I could stay home and stare out of the window. I have irrational privacy issues, and I have some incredibly irrational rage issues. I'm not violent at all - unless it's towards myself - but sometimes I hate people so much that I can't bear the thought of seeing anyone at all for a week straight.

Sometimes I find myself doing things and I don't know why I'm doing them, or why they're so important at the time. I get fixated on ideas, and I have to do them or I feel like something's not right (this is a lot harder to explain than I thought it would be). Like, today, I was drinking some tea in my living room, and I looked down at the wood floor, and I got this idea like I should pour my tea on the floor, and I was like, why in the world would I feel like I should do that? But then I couldn't stop thinking about it until I did it. Which is completely insane, I know. But I saved some of my tea in my cup, and then when my mom left the room, I poured it on the floor. And then I cleaned it up before anyone saw.

So, we've established that I'm a nutcase. Moving right along…

The second time I wanted to die - like, enough to actually do something about it - I was a freshman in high school. It was about two weeks before I turned 15. I was doing my advanced geometry homework, and I got stuck on a problem that was so completely easy that I got irrationally mad at myself for not being able to work it out. (I'm usually pretty good at math, although I hate it passionately.) I don't even remember the problem now, but it was something that I had understood well enough during class, but for some reason I just couldn't get it to work when I tried it at home. I was so frustrated I started to cry, and my mom came in to ask me what was wrong, and it was during one of my I-hate-people-right-now-please-don't-come-near-me phases, so I asked her to leave even though she offered to help me with my homework (my mom's this math whiz… seriously). Like I said, I'm not violent or anything, and I have this rational side that can look at what I'm feeling and go, "Jen, honey, this is irrational. You shouldn't be feeling this way or doing these things, and you definitely should NOT scream and throw things even though you want to." So when I get really, really upset, I'm perfectly able to ask someone politely to leave me alone. Which is what I did.

And then I wiped my face off and went to the medicine cabinet and started gulping down pills, several at a time, while my parents watched TV in the next room.

Anyway, I spent a couple days in the hospital. Had to have my stomach pumped. My parents were really embarrassed, and it made me mad that they were more embarrassed than worried about me - which probably wasn't the case but seemed so at the time, because once they had established that I was okay, they started having these conversations in front of me about what we were going to tell people when they asked what happened. We (read: they) decided that I had had a bad reaction to some medicine, which wasn't technically a lie, and that is the official story, should it ever come up. Which it doesn't, because I don't exactly go around telling everyone that I had to stay in the hospital for a while when I was 14 because I couldn't even kill myself the right way.

They brought in people to ask me why I tried to commit suicide. I couldn't explain it, so my mom fielded most of the questions with these completely bogus answers, and I just sort of went along with it. It's weird the questions that they ask you. They wanted some explicit details about my sex life. I was like, I'm only 14 - what is this sex you speak of? Anyway, I was supposed to go see this psychologist in Augusta, and I ended up not going but my mom still has his card in her wallet, which I find sort of amusing when I think about it. I mean, it's been almost 9 years. (Incidentally, I won an award for a story I wrote about this experience. It's called "A Matter of Life and Math.")

Which brings us to the third time I wanted to die. It was a couple years ago - the summer following the series finale of Angel. I was in college, and I had to take these classes over the summer semester. I was in class every day from 8am to 4:30pm, with an hour off for lunch, and I got to my breaking point on a Monday that I couldn't make myself get out of bed. I stayed in bed all day - this was during one of my not-eating phases - and I started planning how I was going to kill myself (not pills this time, considering how well that worked the last time), and I was literally going to do it as soon as I could make myself get up.

The TV was on, but I wasn't really paying attention to it… and then Angel came on. It was a rerun (obviously, because the show had just gone off the air a couple weeks before) from season one. It was actually episode six, "Sense and Sensitivity," which, looking back, is not one of the greatest episodes ever, but at the time it sparked my interest. I recognized the Angel character from a couple episodes of Buffy that I had watched with one of my friends the year before. I thought he was hot, so I watched the whole thing, and I kind of enjoyed it. And then a voice-over during the credits announced that the entire series was being shown, one episode every afternoon at 5pm - half an hour after I was supposed to get out of class.

Keep in mind that this was the first time I had actually enjoyed anything for several weeks. Months, even.

When I think about it now, I think I must have not really wanted to die. I mean, I DID want to - I had PLANNED to - but I was still looking for some reason to stay. It didn't even have to be a good reason. Any reason at all might have worked, but I… didn't really have anything to live for at that point. Or it seemed so. That's what happens when you're depressed, I guess. You may have reasons to live, but they're not enough for you in the moment. I mean, I had family, friends, pets, school, responsibilities, but when you can't really bear the thought of waking up one more day, none of that stuff really seems very important. And when nothing matters to you, death doesn't really seem like a big deal. It just seems like… you won't have to do anything anymore, and that's all you really want.

I ended up not getting out of bed the next day either, but I watched Angel when it came on. "The Bachelor Party." Another not so great episode in retrospect, but it made me like Doyle and Cordelia. I already liked Angel from the episode before, and this one just made me like him a little bit more. The next day, I watched "I Will Remember You," and I cried so hard that I was exhausted afterward, which made me realize that I hadn't eaten for a while, so I actually got out of bed to get a snack. I had Cheezits.

I woke up in time for class the next day, so I figured that since I was already awake, I might as well go. (When I came out of my room, my three roommates were shocked because they thought I had gone home for a few days.) I had no intention of killing myself at least until the weekend because I had to see the next episode of Angel. My teachers scolded me for missing class, but I told them my grandmother died and they let me make up the work. I got back to my apartment just in time to watch "Hero," and I again cried so hard I was exhausted.

That's how I got through that summer at college. Every day at 5, I watched Angel. If I ever thought I wouldn't be back at my apartment by 5, I had a panic attack (that's the general anxiety disorder for you) and people were like, "Chill, it's just a TV show." But of course they didn't understand, and I didn't tell them because it's enough for me to know that I'm crazy without everyone I know in real life knowing it as well. A couple of times, I could only get back to the student union before the show started, so I would hijack one of the televisions in the common area to get my fix. I would literally stand in front of the TV with my nose two inches from the screen so I could hear what they were saying. People stared. I cared not.

So why do I love Angel so much? I could say it's just an obsession of mine, that it could have been absolutely any other TV show that caught my attention at that point in time and I would have been just as hooked on that, but I know that's not it. Angel is special. It's not just that David Boreanaz is hot (although that helps). It's not even the smart and often hilarious dialogue in every episode. It's the Angel character himself.

People say Angel's a hero, but he's not really a hero. He's just a guy, you know? Just a regular guy, and it's like someone came up to him and handed him a box full of dog shit with a card that says, "Here's your life. Deal." And then he does. He's a victim of circumstance. He didn't do anything to deserve the things he has to go through, but he gets through them because he has to, and he makes the most of it. He builds himself a family and creates a place for himself to belong in, and while he's trying to save himself from his shitty destiny that he had no choice about, he's saving other people along the way. And I know this, because I'm one of the people that he saved. So maybe he is a hero, but he's an accidental hero, and that's why I love him. Because he's not perfect. Because he's got problems, like everyone else in the world, like me. Because he doesn't give up, even when there's absolutely no hope. Because he has days when he doesn't want to get out of bed but he does it anyway. Because he'd never just go off somewhere and die, but he's so willing to die for other people if they need him.

Today I had one of those days where I had a hard time dealing. It builds up, like one of those witch trials where they put a heavy rock on your chest and then add another and another and another until you can't breathe or your chest collapses. I came home from work early, and I watched an episode of Angel, and I felt better while I was watching it. My mom got mad because I wasn't actually sick, and I left work so I could watch TV. It does sound silly, doesn't it? She wants me to get back on the medicine, and we had an argument about it. I don't like taking pills now. I told her I don't need them as long as I have Angel, and I know she thinks it's stupid but sometimes I can tell she's biting her tongue so she won't say something mean about it, because she's got this idea like she has to be careful what she says around me, as if something she says might set me off or something. It doesn't work that way, but I can't explain it. Most of the time, I love my family, but sometimes they are just people to me, and I have these periods where I don't care anything for people, and what they say or do or think means nothing to me.

I wish people could understand me. I wish I could understand myself well enough to explain. I know I sometimes do things that are completely insane, but I DO have a rational side that moderates what I do, and most people can't even tell that I'm a little bit different. Which means if I try to explain why I did something crazy, they don't believe me, and they say things like, "But you're so normal." And the whole time I'm sitting there trying to concentrate on not spinning around in a circle or screaming as loud as I can.

Anyway, that's why I wrote this down. Because today was one of those days, and no one gets it when I say that Angel saved my life, and I can never really explain it that well because in order to understand, you have to know what it's like to be at that breaking point, and - thankfully - most people never get there (or so I've been told). Maybe now I'll be able to explain it better when someone asks what my deal is with this silly little vampire show… but probably not. I'll probably just give my standard response: "It's a good show; you should watch it."

Comments

[kazzy-cee.livejournal.com]

I read this and I was concerned for you. The good thing is that you recognise how you are feeling, and you know when you are getting compulsive about something. You aren't alone in this - EVERYONE has these tendancies at some point in their life, and if they deny it, they are lying. It's just in some people this becomes more pronounced. But you know this is happening and that is definitely a good thing.

BUT - and it's a big but - this is something caused by imbalances in your body, and from what you've said I would be concerned if you aren't on some medication to correct those imbalances. I can understand you don't want to take medication, but have you considered homeopathic and diet related help?

I doubt that your parents are embarrassed by you - as a parent myself I would be very very worried, and because I wouldn't want to worry you, I would probably play 'down' my worries which may come across as a different emotion.

I think YOU need to talk to someone about all this, I really do.

*hugs you*

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

thanks, i really appreciate it that you're worried about me. *hugs* you don't need to be, though. i don't want to be this person that people worry about. i just wanted to try to explain how i feel about angel, as much to myself as to other people.

i know about the imbalances in my brain and the misfiring synapses and all that. i was on medication for a while, but it made me feel like a zombie, and while i was taking it i couldn't write or draw in my sketchbook - and since i was a writing major and an art minor, it was a big problem, so i stopped taking it. now i just take vitamins, which make my fingernails grow really fast. (heh.) i've talked to lots of different counselors and psychiatrists, but mostly it's just awkward silences because i feel uncomfortable talking about my problems. i've found that the best remedy for me is watching angel and zoning.

[frimfram.livejournal.com]

I like you. I like Angel too.

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

best comment i've ever gotten. it pretty much sums everything up, doesn't it? :)

give me a story prompt! *poke*

[frimfram.livejournal.com]

OK! I want Spike extricating Angel from some dire situation (about which Angel can be as pissed off as you like), a ghost train, and allusion to what happened in St. Petersburg.

Capisce?

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

capisce!

is this smut or gen?

[frimfram.livejournal.com]

Whichever takes your fancy.

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

smut it is. :D

[frimfram.livejournal.com]

Mmmmmmmmmm.... smut....

[shapinglight]

I perfectly understand your loving Angel and I think you've articulated why he's loveable better than anyone else I've come across. It's always been his humanness (as opposed to his humanity) that made me love him (and Spike too).

I agree with Kazzy_cee that I'm sure your parents aren't embarrassed about you even if their reaction comes across that way to you sometimes. You sound like a close family.

I don't know what else to say except that your post was articulate (as always) and very painful to read because you're so very self-aware and so clear-headed about your problems. It could help to talk to someone professionally, I don't know, but it might be worth a try.

:Hugs:, love. I wish I could think of a more adequate response.

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

It's always been his humanness (as opposed to his humanity) that made me love him (and Spike too).
oh, beautiful irony. :) two monsters in all the world who represent mankind better than mankind represents itself.

my family is close. but i think every family has that one kid they don't really like to parade around in public, you know?

i'm glad you think my post is articulate. i just sat and wrote it in the middle of the night, and reading it now, i think i come across as creepy and insane. can't really say much for the insane thing, but i'd like to take a moment to emphasize that i'm not creepy. i'm not like a close talker or an intense starer or anything. i'm afraid now that people won't want to meet me at conventions and stuff because they'll be afraid i'll do something wacky, which i wouldn't - not in public. people have said that they can't even tell i'm different. of course, people have also said that when i get old i'm going to be the crazy cat lady of the neighborhood, who wears ugly sun dresses all year and whose house gets egged every halloween on a dare, but people often say things that aren't true, so who knows which it will be?

i think your response was more than adequate. i never know how to respond to personal posts, so i usually just read and privately commiserate, and then run away. *hugs*

[shapinglight]

Just wanted you to know you don't come across as creepy at all. As for insane - you're hardly alone in that, especially not in fandom.

I'd love to meet you, though I can't afford to travel to America. Maybe you'll be able to get to the Brit version of Writercon next year?

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

that's true - there are so many crazy people in fandom! what's up with that? *glances around warily* i wonder what they're thinking right now...

heh.

by next year, i may have saved up enough money to go to england. but i think i would feel silly being the only american there.

[shapinglight]

You might not be the only one. It depends. Some British fans went to the American one after all.

[incasink.livejournal.com]

I have to... agree. I guess that's why I feel so drawn to the show, I guess why a lot of people do. But I have to say I do place Angel on a rather high pedastal *because* he is just a guy and all this stuff has happened and he's still able to get up and get going. And buy Armani.

I can't watch Angel with anyone else, I feel the intrusion hotly, like someone's just walked in on me masturbating and I blush and stutter and flick it off, that's how muchly I feel for the show. Not because Im ashamed I watch it, I just dont want people around when I do. Before I had a tv in my room I used to sneak downstairs at five in the morning to watch it.
I cried, was heartbroken when I missed an episode once, and not having any more episodes sorta spun me out of control, I felt like i'd lost a limb because it had been a crutch for so long.
I think the buffyverse is good at pinning outsider-personalities. Those who feel distorted and out of touch tend to gravitate towards Angel and those who feel misunderstood, yet want a place in the world tend to gravitate towards Buffy IMO.

I was in a bad way for about two years, maybe longer, seeing as i used to go to child psych when i was like ...12. I used to take a day off school every week, i mean - it was a MASSIVE deal for me to be at school solidly for two weeks. I crashed hard when I left the limbo of high school, broken teeth, broken arms and spine it felt like.
I'll sketch my past quickly because i dont want to delve too deeply. Got some toxic parenting issues, not that my parents are bad, far from it, they're as good as they can be, better than they should be. Both horribly abused as children, it slips out of them sometimes and to see your parents break when they are meant to be infallible kinda introduces you to how bad the world is, and how bad people can be, even when they're not bad people. So anxiety there, so bad i used to get stomach cramps that had me stuffed with painkillers and an easy ticket away from school. yay! Although lack of school meant lack of people skills. Absentee parents. Some shady abuse of my own that's wildly distorted my view of men and that I still can't exress properly.

Im not going to say there are those who understand you, or nobody really understands anybody, because it doesnt help at all. But I'll pass on what really helped me out: everyone has a veneer of normality. you sit there in a cubicle next to an accountant and they seem like the most normal person in the world, but there'll always be something. They'll like ... eat their toenails, or have a penchant for cross dressing, or whatever the fuck, they'll be a phone sex operator at night. It doesnt matter. just fucked up :D

People are basically good, i believe, even if they do bad things. I mean our heads get filled up with behaviours but you get right down to it, we're just bone and muscle and slippery organs and firing electric charges.

All i really think matters is 'are you a good person?' Do you murder or fiddle with kiddies or steal from poor people? No? awesome.

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

But I have to say I do place Angel on a rather high pedastal *because* he is just a guy and all this stuff has happened and he's still able to get up and get going.
that's evident in your fics. they're all very different, but your stories have this pattern - angel is always a victim of circumstance and somehow he manages to get through it. that's why i love your stories even though they are au. because i can still see the show in them.

i can watch angel with other people, but i always sort of forget they are there. unless they talk the whole time or something, which upsets me to the point that i have to rewatch the episode when they are gone.

your past and my past on the same webpage here seems like it should make the internet explode. how is this post not too emo to be visible?
*hearts*

but there'll always be something. They'll like ... eat their toenails, or have a penchant for cross dressing, or whatever the fuck, they'll be a phone sex operator at night.
those crazy accountants in their crazy cubicles. i always knew something was up with them.

wait... are you saying it's not normal to eat your own toenails? *worries*

People are basically good, i believe, even if they do bad things.
ah, you sound like anne frank. :)

i don't murder or fiddle or steal, so i must be awesome. that's comforting. thank you. i think you're awesome too.

[thatotherperv.livejournal.com]

I've struggled with clinical depression all of my life. so have my parents actually? but they're in denial about that. for some reason I have never actively tried to kill myself, but there were a couple times in high school where I wished everything would just *stop* so fervently that I'm kind of surprised I didn't try, in retrospect. I think I'm just so insanely passive when I get like that that it's just like...I want to curl up like a cat somewhere private and wait to waste away.

and it's scary to say that, because most people that know me don't really know that. they don't know that I constantly have to keep a vigil for signs of the onset of an episode.

good times. this resonated with me. and I'm glad that Angel got you through it. whatever works, babe. <kisses you>

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

the wanting things to stop? i do that. and the curling and wasting too. only, i don't waste at a very fast pace, so you can't really tell by looking. which is a shame, because i've heard depression can be a great diet, and you'd think maybe i could at least have that going for me, but noooo...

good times indeed.
*hugs*

i don't recommend attempting suicide, btw. i'm glad to hear that you haven't. if you ever think you might, put in an episode of angel and lie down until the idea leaves your head. or write some smutty fanfic and dedicate it to me. hey, you could do that anyway. :D

[felisblanco.livejournal.com]

I have nothing to offer, no wise words, not really. I went through a bout of depression last year when my whole world seemed to be coming apart, people dying or getting sick and my parents divorcing and it just became too much, you know. But nothing like this so I don't really know what I'm talking about.

But I do know that if I hadn't had fandom it would have been a lot worse. I don't talk much to people, not one for telling people how I feel or if something is bothering me or if everything just sucks to the point of 'why bother with anything?'. Until I found LJ. Which is why my posts sometimes are whiny and ranty, because I suddenly found I can talk, or rather write, about what's on my mind. Get it out there, vent, easing the tension in my belly and maybe that way see that I'm really just being a drama queen. Or gets pets and realise I'm loved anyway.

But yes, not just Angel for me, but fandom. All the lovely people here who listen and offer advice and hugs and make you feel that maybe you aren't that tiny little mouse, that insignificant person you feel some days.

And Angel... well, in my eyes all those things is exactly why he's a hero. What makes a hero if not just that? Personally, I have no interest in men wearing spandex and capes.

Like I said, I have no advice about how to deal with your problems but just wanted to let you know that we're here and we are listening, whenever you need us.


*hugs you hard*

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

But nothing like this so I don't really know what I'm talking about.
your feelings and experiences are always valid, whether or not they are like someone else's. (do i sound like an inspirational speaker?) i am very sorry that you had to go through what you did. but i am also happy that you found fandom, if fandom is your angel. :) the people around here are pretty cool, i have to agree.

you have no interest in men wearing spandex? really? *boggles*

[spikes-cj.livejournal.com]

You've been through so much. I had no idea. Seriously. *hugs you*

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

heh, thanks. i usually feel pretty uncomfortable talking about it, so most people don't know. but i just needed to explain how i feel about angel.

[makd.livejournal.com]

You're not alone; a lot of folks have/have had similar experiences. It's good that you're aware of your needs, and can get help when/if you need it.

Also: on the sofa with frimfram: I like you. And Angel. ( I also like Spike.) :-)

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

the weirdest thing about being crazy, i have found, is that you're completely aware of it and yet you can't just stop. it's frustrating. i almost wish i didn't know i was crazy, but then i'd probably just embarrass myself all the time. at least knowing about it means i can hide it.

i like you and frimfram and angel too. *hugs*
spike is okay. i guess. :P actually, yeah, i like him too. :)

[so-sharlemaine.livejournal.com]

I'm trying to think of something really cool to say, but I'm not doing so well with that. So I'll just say yep, you've got a good reason for loving Angel. I don't blame you at all.

And I'm very glad Angel was on TV at that time, that day. Makes him a hero in my book.

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

you don't have to say anything to be cool, sharla. all you have to do is show up, and we're all immediately in awe of your coolness. :D

i'm glad you approve of my angel lovin. for some reason i think i'm better at explaining things when i write them down. nobody gets it when i try to explain it in person.

i'm glad angel was on that day too. angel is the only thing that can make me happy no matter what else is going on.

[spankspike.livejournal.com]

I love Angel, and if he had any part in saving you - then he's definitely my hero.

And you shouldn't have to explain to anyone why you feel the way about him/the show that you do. We all need something that makes it worth being here when nothing else in our lives can make us feel that way. We can't let it matter how other people feel about what it is that we've found to fill that empty place.

For me, it's my daughter. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have a reason to do anything. Sometimes I'm sitting and staring at her, she'll turn around and catch me. She always says, "Stop analyzing me!" , as if she thinks I'm judging something about her while I'm looking at her. She has no idea that I'm just absorbing every detail about her, because it's those details I focus on when I can't get out of bed, when I can't go to work, when I drive down the highway and wonder how fast you'd have to be going as you drove into a toll booth to be sure you wouldn't make it, or when I'm wondering if the 3 bottles of tranquilizers I've had in my cabinet for the last 6 years would be enough to do the trick. I think of how awful she'd feel if something happened to me - so I make sure nothing happens.

*loves you*

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

i think you have a better reason than i do. but i guess it's like... whatever works. :)

i'm thinking about going to england next year. wanna come with?

[spankspike.livejournal.com]

I would so love that. I bet we'd have a great time!!!

My daughter and I talk about it all the time (also Ireland and Scotland). Now that I no longer have a loser husband sucking up all my money - maybe I could actually save enough to go.

And whatever works for you is just as important as what works for me - what makes it important is the fact that it does work.

*hugs*

[tamibrandt.livejournal.com]

I think your mom and my mom know each other and exchange notes frequently. My mother was in fandom in the late 1970s - late 1980s, and now that I'm into my own fandom, she thinks it's a waste of time that doesn't make me any money and is a lost cause. She doesn't see that it's the only thing that keeps me sane. Before I got into fandom, I working myself into depression where I was a nervous wreck and cried for 4 years straight. Now, I'm more calm (inside), my anxiety attacks have become less and less, although I have a pregnancy phobia that I don't think will ever go away. And the fandom (writing) has been therapuetic for me, less and less nightmares cause I can get it out now through the characters.

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

i think ALL moms know each other. or they have some kind of collective unconscious that connects them. my mother has never been into any kind of fandom and doesn't really understand what it is, i think, but she has the same idea that it's a waste of time.

i don't think fandom keeps me sane, really... because i'm not sane... but it seemed the logical thing for me to join up, because i love angel so much. it's the show itself that helps me deal, and fandom is just kind of a way to ... sort of relive the show, i guess? anyway, i'm glad to hear that fandom has helped you. we all need something. :)

[kidcyclone.livejournal.com]

I think you and I have some things in common- beyond liking angel and being cool and all ;> I'm very glad that you're continuing to fight through the thick oppressiveness that can be suffocating sometimes. I think this is a better place cos you're here.

[fadednegative.livejournal.com]

I came across this post today. I don't know how, but I feel better just for reading it. Some of the things that you wrote here are the exact things that I have been going through pretty much since I was 13. I have never been diganosed (yeah my spelling sucks *thak goodness for spellcheck) with anything, mainly because I WON'T go to a doctor about it. I don't tell people either, I write. I love to read famdom but still am not able to write it, so I read it alot and write poetry. =)

I think I just wanted to let you know that you weren't alone

*hugs*

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

thanks. i know what you mean about not wanting to talk about it or see a doctor. the only reason i actually got diagnosed was because of having to go to the hospital. plus when i was an RA in college, we had to do a psychiatric screening process thing. it was lame. anyway, i'm glad reading this made you feel better. :)

[treadingthedark.livejournal.com]

Your post was really moving, and count me in on liking you, and being very glad that Angel was there for you.

You are an extremely creative, talented and funny person who has already enriched my life, even though we have never met.

This fandom experience is a strange and often overwhelming one, but I wouldn't give it up easily. I know it's some kind of addiction, but I don't really mind. Obviously it must fill a need I have.

Thanks for being part of fandom, you are an asset for sure. It would be a terrible loss if you left.

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

thank you very much. i find my needs being met by fandom as well, so i think i'll stick around for a while yet. until y'all don't want me anymore. ;)

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

thanks, man.

it's funny that fandom draws all the crazies toward it like a giant black hole of insanity. we've all got some serious shit going on, looks like.

...which was somehow comforting until i phrased it that way... :)

[angryscientist.livejournal.com]

Hi *waves* I got here... Um, lost the link but it as one Angel meta or another.

I want to tell you I find what you wrote here very brave. I'm going through depression (amongst other things) right now but couldn't dream of even putting it out there in an open post. I am thankful that you did, it feels like it was written by me. Except for the suicidal tendencies, I'm more aggressive.

Last year, I discovered Angel... he's helped me through the deepest slumps since then, I've looked to him and the AI gang (I might be Angel IRL but I wanna be Cordy) for the same thing you watched the show for. I can't even put it into words, it's not belonging because hello, fictional characters, it's not comfort, it's not even pure escapism. But something which is good :)

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

hi. i know it's been like 4 months since you left this comment, but i just realized i had never responded to it, and i wanted to. thank you for saying that i'm brave - or for thinking that in the first place - because even though i don't feel that way at all, it's a comfort just having this idea that if other people got to know me then there would be a measure of acceptance that it's hard for me to see in the people i interact with now. (...did that make sense?) i think i wrote this stuff in an open post because i feel like no one i know IRL really knows who i am inside, and so letting people i will probably never meet glimpse the real me is my way of connecting to the world in a way i can't do in daily life.

I can't even put it into words, it's not belonging because hello, fictional characters, it's not comfort, it's not even pure escapism. But something which is good :)

i would say it's comfort and belonging and escapism AND something impossible to define. all of the above! :)

[girlpire.livejournal.com]

i think you've summed up my own feelings very nicely. :) except for the part about being brave. but i appreciate that too.

[justams.livejournal.com]

Here through Mark Watches.

This is a really brave post, and it broke my heart a little bit to read. Partly because I hate that anyone has to go through something like this, and partly for the selfish reason of finding so much to relate to. I've never had it as bad as what you describe, but there are bits and pieces here that remind me of myself. I can definitely relate to what you said about finding something to look forward to every day in Angel. With me it was a different show, but what you described was the same feeling. I felt empty and completely without hope, nothing to look forward to and the days just went by me. To suddenly find something to look forward to every day was more important to me than I want to accept. I think maybe you're right though, that maybe you didn't want to die. Cause I don't think I did, even though all I could think about back then was making plans on how to kill myself the best possible way. I think maybe I clung to that show because I didn't want to die, I just needed something to show me that. Maybe it was the same for you.

The strange thing is, I first watched Angel and Buffy when I was going through some of the worst periods of my depression. But it's first when re-watching both shows now, along with Mark, that I'm starting to see how much I can relate to Angel. I think I'm going through a bout of depression these days, and Angel is really inspiring me to not give in this time. Thing is, with me it's difficult to tell if it's depression or not... I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/M.E. and the depression has sort of always been a side effect of that, and sometimes I'm not sure which one it is that keeps me from getting out of bed in the morning. Watching Angel having to live his life with a destiny that has been put on him by others, that he never had a choice in, is really getting to me this time around.

So yeah, thank you for sharing this post. You gave me a lot of things to think about. I see this post was posted a few years ago, and I hope you're doing better now. And I'm glad you have a hero like Angel to keep you going. We all need our heroes. :)

[spes-abrin.livejournal.com]

You posted a link to this on Mark Watches today and that's how I ended up here. I just wanted to say that I can relate to this in a really profound way. You really aren't alone. In a lot of ways I think being the kind of crazy that most people never even see (the "but you're so normal!" kind) is harder than being the more obvious kind (like say schizophrenic). I know on MW they don't let you use the word "crazy" and I totally get why, but I actually feel better about using it when talking about myself. I like to say I "own my crazy". It's sort of a "taking my power back" thing for me? Anyway, not my point. My point is I get it. And I think its amazing and brave for you to share this. :-)